Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A Post About Poo and Eyeballs

Early this morning (before I was playing electrical inspector gadget), I had several not uncommon moments of Chacha hypochondria. My mind is hardwired to jump to some incredulous conclusion. Probably based on the fact that as a child I used to read my parents medical book that had all these decision flow diagrams based on your "symptoms" that either led to a "self-help section", "see your doctor", "see your doctor IMMEDIATELY", or "EMERGENCY". Why we even had this book is ridiculous - I think it was probably something my father got for himself since he is a hypochondriac, what with the two times he thought he was having a heart attack after my parents had bought their first house. They called the ambulance both times and it was nothing but an anxiety attack. Anyway. At 5:30am, before the ass-crack of dawn, nature called. Husband had already left for some training thing he had to go to up in LA and I wasn't exactly 100% awake, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. And luckily, I am not like my mother or Dooce who have issues with the frequency of such calls. So, I do my business and, I don't know about you guys, but I always throw a passing glance to the bowl to make sure there is nothing glaring wrong with what came out of my rear end. It must have been something with WI's post about having to do quality control of her little one's poopy that was implanted in my brain, having raised puppies with numerous poop issues, and my mother's story of when she was a kid having gotten some kind of worms, but as I hit the flush lever, still groggy, glancing down, I swear I thought I saw something resembling a gray piece of spaghetti.

That was it - I had worms. For the next 30 minutes I laid there in bed, figuring I had something living in my intestines. Seriously? For someone that has eaten very little meat - in fact almost no Pork or Beef for the last year - how in the hell could I get any kind of intestinal worms? It's not like I play in the dirt and shove it my mouth for fun. This finally dawned on me that seeing as I wasn't 100% awake I might not have seen what I though I saw. Thankfully, I fell asleep because who the heck wants to get up at 5:30am if you don't have to.

I finally get up around 6:45am, look in the mirror, and I see that my left eye has one of those broken capillary spots. By God, I must have a detached retina! I'm going to have to watch this thing today because if it doesn't go away, I'll have to go to urgent care or something, what with my worms and my going blind in my right eye.

Five hours later, it had cleared up. No more red spot.

I wonder what other life-threatening disease I will have later in the evening.

5 comments:

  1. I am cracking up. Maybe your husband flossed and threw it in the commode without flushing?

    I feel like I'm not looking at poop enough. Between you and WI...what the hell?

    Think about the weight loss you'll have if you have worms!

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  2. I'm not sure I should have read this while eating pasta....LOL The floss could be a very good possibility...but if he DID put it in there, I'd advise not doing that. Nothin' but TP down that thing or ELSE. I'm not sayin' what'll happen, but it ain't pretty.

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  3. so so funny - i have not one but TWO of those same books! our insurance companies sent them to us. hopefully you can stay disease free for the rest of the day!

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  4. Send me a snapshot of your next BM and I will diagnose it for you -- no charge!

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  5. Wow. Don't you love those circles of panic?

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