Monday, June 9, 2008

Sometimes I Am Small

No, not just stature, then I would have written: "Always I am Small", A little over a month ago, I stopped teaching at a local studio, mostly because I felt I had to make a statement. Put my foot down. Hard. I could have stuck around and taught one of the classes, while the other slot I was teaching was given to a new teacher. But I felt I had to stand up for myself after getting yanked here and there with the format. Part of me, or most of me, was unable to shake the feeling that I had failed. That it was me -- I was not good enough to grow that class. This is not why sometimes I am small, though. This is why I'm human and have feelings.

Today, I had lunch with one of the gals that used to come to my classes. If I ever had a "Chacha Yoga Teacher Fan Club" she would be president. She is super-nice and liked my teaching and nearly always attended all my classes. She still goes to the classes at "the studio" and it turns out, the class size is still struggling in my old teaching slots.

This is the part where I'm small.

Tell me I wasn't happy. Oh Sweet Relief! I can't help this feeling of vindication. Sure, eventually the new teacher will probably get the traction she needs to build up her numbers provided the owners don't jerk her around like they did me. However, it seems pretty clear to me that you can't change people's attendance patterns in 4 weeks. No sir. It has been at least 4 weeks - in fact 5 weeks. And last week only had two people. HA! I can't help it. I know it's petty, but I am human! And it confirms that I don't suck. Because deep inside, I had this lingering feeling of "I SUCK" and this new information has just proven to me that I don't! It wasn't me - and though the logical part of my brain kept telling my inner-self that I didn't do anything wrong or badly, the illogical, sensitive part of me wouldn't listen. I still have a small part of me, that perfectionist part, that is bothered by the fact that it didn't work out like I wanted it to, but the melancholy feeling surrounding that situation has faded considerably.

Thank you, Universe!

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