It's time to scheisse, or get off ze crapper

I know you are just dying to know what happened with the crapper. Well, I tell ya, installing a toilet has a 50-50 chance of going smoothly (Chacha's Toilet Install Probability Theorem). We have picked up and put back 4 toilets thus far, with this last one being a total replacement, and only two have gone off without a hitch. The first time we had to remove the toilet was when I owned my first place, a condo near Torrance (which was technically in LA proper - in the harbor gateway which connects downtown LA to the LA harbor down near the LB). That place was built in 1973 and I replaced every stitch of flooring in the whole joint, including both bathrooms. The upstairs one had no issues, but the downstairs toilet did. We picked it up and found that the closet flange had corroded away leaving the bolts with nothing to attach. Luckily I had some awesome handy neighbors from Alabama (they were perpetual contractors for the oil refining business down in South LA) who helped us install an ABS flange to replace the 30 year old rusted up one. In the former model house in the boonies, I replaced the entire first floor's flooring, and, since everything in that house was less than 7 years old, all was well with the powder toilet and it's plumbing. So easy, your grandma could do it.

This house is 22 years old which is just old enough to be an unexpected pain in the ass. The pipe is ABS plastic and as we all know, plastic can crack. And whoever had installed the toilet last (likely after the tile we down that we removed) did the normal thing of cutting down the too long bolts but must have used a crappy reciprocating saw or soemthing because one of the bolts was not cut cleanly. The nut would not re-thread straight. We realized this after wrenching it on wrong which loosened the bolt attached to the flange. The Husband hacksawed teh bolt to get a clean cut, it threads, but then one attempt to check the seat for wobbly-ness and the flange up and cracks with the toilet coming right out, bolts still attached to the base.

Toilet installs either go so smoothly you wonder why anyone makes any fuss about it, OR they drive you to the brink of insanity. It's either a 20 minute deal or you're snapping at your spouse, and vice versa, about how the toilet sucks and is a piece of shit.

At this point, I have been told by The Husband that he went to Home Depot to consult one of their people and they told him to use a "ringer" (basically, a metal ring that looks like the top of the closet flange) and screw it down into the existing ABS closet flange (supposedly drywall nails are fine). He has installed the basin but needs my help to finish it off (nothing like capping off a Monday workday with more toilet fun). Hopefully before the Bachlorette starts this evening, our poop-deposit box will be in working order. I am excited to have a toilet that is as miserly as me - it only uses 1.28 gallons per flush! Good for my pocket but more importantly good for our environment. we're on water rationing here for lawns - we can only water Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday - first time I've seen this in the 9 years I've been in Southern California - we all gotta do our part to conserve!

In case you are wondering, the title is a line from Beerfest [other silly Beerfest quotes].


  1. Poop Deposit box...I have no idea why but that just made me snort with laughter. Probably because it's been one of those tense day's at work.

  2. All of this toilet talk has me ready to up and go back to renting. I don't have the time or interest to be doing all this fixing.

  3. We've managed to avoid putting in a new toilet...ever. But we did have a leaky ring. I guess that's pretty common. If it's not one thing its another.


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