Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Over-Analysis?

It has been my practice to read a thoughtful passage from one of my meditation-esque book before I begin my class. While I do think this is nice (better than having nothing meaningful to say), I feel like I want to expound more upon my own personal experiences and inward exploration.

I have a fear, though, that several things will happen:

(1) I will sound like an idiot - like someone grasping for meaning and coming up listlessly short (or, like someone who smoked the wacky tabacky talking about "deep" stuff, but in reality he/she just sounds like they're high)

(2) I will run out of material! I mean I can talk until the cows come home, so, material that is not just rambling. Like, will I be able to, each week, have something meaningful to discuss without dragging out the kitchen sink of things that really are too personal to share with people you don't know that well (I mean, I don't need to scare people off).

(3) I will dig into myself and find that I am not the existentialistic person I always thought I was. I will find I am more 2-dimensional and flat than multi-dimensional.

Now the last fear I think has really come out more as I explore the study and practice of yoga. And also as I teach more, I seem to be conjuring up more insecurity about my ability to teach a good class. And I think it's more that I'm teaching in what I would consider more challenging environments. My "gym yoga" gig is feeling more and more like a chore (it doesn't help that I have to drive 15-20 minutes to get there and the pay is the worst of all my classes), and my studio gigs are feeling more challenging... So I am no longer feeling as much of the ego-boost I used to get from my large gym classes and additionally, I am feeling some insecurity as I embark to build strong studio classes.

Ah well. Non-attachment to attaining perfection and control is what I need -- to release the need to excel at everything. Anyone with advice on how to get there?

No comments:

Post a Comment