Ahhhh. Commuting.

There were short periods of my working life where I had a nice commute – in total, about 3 years where I was driving 20 minutes or less. The rest of the time we’re talking anywhere from 40 minutes to 90 minutes each way (both times I moved were the result of too many 3-hour commute days). Currently, I have 40-60 minutes each way and it’s mentally manageable for me. However, I have noticed a few things that drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy.

Pretending we are canines and you are sniffing my rear with the front of your car

This is something I just don’t understand. Who taught these people to drive? How can one think it’s safe it to drive that close to the car in front on a highway with average speeds of 70-80 mph? What if I have to slow down rather abruptly? It’ll be him/her at fault for the accident, not me. I think that either they were taught to drive by dumbasses or are dumbasses themselves.

Not following the “two cars per green” instructions on signs at on-ramps

Granted, when I first saw stop-lights at on-ramps I was like “What the heck is this for?” but then realized that traffic in California is somewhat ridiculous and you have to control the flow of cars onto the highway. Regardless, I don’t think that every day there is a new person in front of me on the ramp that has never seen them before. There are cars ahead the entire time going two at a time per green, yet, he/she stops at the light when he/she is the second car. Can these people not read? Are they that oblivious to their driving peers as to not notice what everyone else was doing? Then read the sign and say “Oh, I get it.” That one makes me yell “TWO CARS PER GREEN, PEOPLE!” several times a week.

Not looking to your left or right before switching lanes

I swear I drive in fear of the person next to me or two lanes over, all the time. When I switch lanes I always wait until there is no one at the same latitude two lanes over because I am sure he/she is stupid enough not to look around and see that someone else is already changing lanes.

Pulling out from a parking lot into traffic and proceeding at 10 mph or less

Lately, this one has been happening a lot. The last two times they were smoking a cig like “whatever, if someone is behind me, they can just slow down.” If I have to step forcibly on the break to avoid rear-ending you and you had other better opportunities behind me to turn, you are driving like a butthole.

Hanging out in the left lane (or second to left lane) going significantly slower than everyone else so that we have to go around you and nearly cause 17 accidents

Either completely oblivious, or completely idiotic. Or both. Don’t they teach in driving school that you should yield to faster drivers when in the passing or fast lanes? Do you think you are that special that you can drive in the fast lane at 65 mph? Are you that self-righteous that we should all obey the speed limit at 65 therefore should not be passing you? Get off your high horse, lady! Or just get out of the left lane so we can sing cumbaya and be happy with the world.

Slowing down in front of me as we pass through intersections with camera-enforced traffic lights

This one makes me certifiably nuts. A red light ticket is like $400 and 2 points on your license. Do your driving comrades a favor and maintain (if not speed up a little bit) through the red light camera controlled intersections. Those cameras already freak me out, never mind when someone in front of me slows down for no apparent reason. I have a mini freak out session passing through those intersections and then if you slow down, you might as well hand me some Zoloft so I can calm down.

Realizing you shouldn’t be in a turn-only lane and trying to get out with everyone is stuck behind you while you waste away the green light.

Listen. We all make mistakes. But suck it up, my friend. You screwed up – take the left and find a way to turn around and correct it. Don’t make everyone else miserable because you messed up.

Stopping on inclines behind me leaving only enough space for Calista Flockhart to squeeze though.

This one is in the same category as the first one, except if you drive stick-shift, it is highly nerve-wracking. It’s pretty easy to slide backward when you have to start from zero mph on a hill driving stick shift. If you are a newer manual  driver, you probably slide back more and are more stressed out about it. So when some ninny stops within a foot or two of your rear bumper you are literally sweating bullets about the timing of your feet with the clutch and gas fearing that (a) you might stall and feel like a moron, (b) you might screw up and end up bumping the person behind you.  I used to stress majorly about this one but now that I’ve been driving stick for 8 years, it’s not as bad. But it still bugs me when I get someone who insists on squeezing every inch of space between his/her car and the car in front.

There you have it. Welcome to 90 minutes of my day 5 days a week! In a an hour I get to live all of the above for the second time today. Joy!


  1. You just described 2 hours of my day perfectly.

    My favorite is expecting the latitudinal driver to not look before changing lanes.

    I'll add the driver who thinks my blinker means "speed up so I can't move over because heaven forbid I delay your commute by 0.75 seconds."

  2. Oh man! I live in CA too and the commutes are just AWFUL. My commute is about 1 hr 15 min on BART and I still want to pull my hair our. I feel your pain.

  3. The canine sniff drives me the most crazy, I think. Really? WHERE IN THE HECK are you going to go???????????


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